Listen up Obama. And you too Romney. My vote is up for the taking. I realize that federal spending is out of control, jobs, and economy are a major concern, national security, immigration and health care are big issues but what about the little things? To get my vote, you need to help a citizen who cares about truth, justice and getting my way. Read on.
Drive my kids to high school in the morning; the line of cars circling the campus is ridiculous. Cars back up for miles before the drop off point. Parents panic and throw their kids out the door and into the street before the bell rings. Rule breakers in the drive-through should get fifty hours of community service for illegal right turns, double parking and texting while driving.
Pass a mandatory ruling that all baseball stadiums, football coliseums, and basketball arenas install at least thirty ladies restrooms. It doesn’t make sense that women wait through ten timeouts in order to use the john. Until these changes are made, install televisions in the bathrooms. We’re missing the game.
Ban the Kardashians from the airwaves. Americans have had enough of their foolish whining, fighting and childish behavior. Let’s stop rewarding stupidity. And why do we care about Snookie’s baby? Or Octomom? If you want my vote, mandate higher standards for television programs. You have the power to do this, exercise it.
Offer free waxing for men with excessive back hair. The government should pick up the tab. A law would prohibit men from exposing “back, shoulders, chest, ear or other body parts with an inordinate amount of hair.” Offenders, fined.
Demand high school dropouts watch all eight episodes of Honey Boo Boo. In case you missed it, this reality show features a family of rednecks from rural Georgia and their six-year-old daughter, a pudgy pageant queen. This slice of Americana will ensure that juvenile delinquents understand the importance of education. Do they really want that to be their future?
Help Hillary Clinton. Send her places more glamorous than Vietnam, Cambodia and Afghanistan. The high humidity, lack of electricity, and sparse beauty supplies is starting to take a toll. She has earned a little R&R; she’s just too darned tired to care about dressing up any longer.
Fine people who talk too loudly on their cell phone at restaurants, grocery stores, and church. Write tickets for disorderly conduct and noise pollution. The listening public needs to be heard.
Issue a warning to the ingrate hogging a table for four at Starbucks for six hours. He’s violating our space with his files, laptop case and empty coffee cups. Doesn’t he have anywhere else to go? The rest of us are standing around balancing our coffee in one hand and breakfast sandwich in the other. Place limits on table usage or issue a citation for loitering.
Listen up, Mr. President and Governor. If you make some of the above changes, you get my vote. That’s it. Now get crackin’.