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Health & Fitness

Whose Life Is It, Anyway?

We are stressing out our children! I try to teach my own kids about moderation and balance, but I must ask myself, "Is it their life or is it the life that I want for them?"...a subtle difference.

In June, my 14-year-old daughter "promoted" from 8th Grade.  She is my oldest and will start high school at San Ramon Valley in the fall. I've been a guidance counselor in the SRVUSD, a therapist, and an academic advisor to teenagers for nearly 15 years, but now it's my turn to walk through this process as “the parent”.  However, please keep in mind that my knowledge of the college applications and admissions process taints my objectivity with this particular student.

Most everyone with a middle schooler knows that the grades earned during these years do not count toward college applications.  However, the courses students take in middle school set the stage for which road a student will travel through high school.  And, once the student gets to high school, the phrase "A-G Coursework Requirements" becomes paramount. The A-G courses are a series of 15 units that need to be taken in a specific order in high school to be eligible for admission to UCs and CSUs. For instance, taking two years of language in middle school will count as one full year of foreign language credit in high school to fulfill a portion of the "foreign language requirement ("e").  Similarly, if a student tests into Geometry after 8th grade Algebra I, he/she can advance through the math requirement ("c"), and allows the student to concurrently enroll in Biology as a freshman to accelerate the science requirement ("d").  On the other hand, if a middle schooler chooses electives that don't include a foreign language, or decides to take Algebra in 9th grade, this student is already behind the 8-ball, as far as the most competitive schools go.  This includes most UC schools! 

My personal opinion on the subject of the high school experience, as both an educator and parent, is that we are stressing our children out!  As a parent, I try to teach my own kids about moderation and balance, emphasizing that the developmental tasks of simply "growing up" are their primary purpose, especially as they hit adolescence.  Having worked with hundreds of teenagers, I can see the effects of the constant pressures to perform exacted upon them, the stress that motivates their poor choices to escape these pressures, and the consequences of some of these choices in the effort to seek out some spontaneous freedom.  As a counselor, I equip students with tools, help teens set goals, and develop strategies for them to meet those goals.  As the parent, I share the same information, but through an entirely different channel.  The teens I work with may find my frequency and tune in clearly, but my own children have static on the channels dispensing my voice. 

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It's true.  The competition for admissions to America's colleges and universities is getting stiffer.  Remember when we were in high school?  We took geometry and biology as sophomores.  There were a handful of naturally academic superstars with the intellectual ability to accelerate their course load, but for the rest of us, we celebrated our Sweet 16's with right angles and DNA strands. In order to get accepted at the top colleges and universities today, students must frontload their schedules with graduation requirements so that class periods become available during the junior and senior year to stack up some Honors and AP courses.  A 4.0 grade point average isn't enough anymore to get admitted into a top college.  Further, since college has become so expensive, it becomes imperative for our children to do well in high school if there is any chance for merit aid, grants and/or scholarships. 

It's subtle.  The pressure to keep up with the academic Joneses, so to speak, is elusive.  In fact, despite my "knowledge", I have fallen into the trap of pushing my children harder without even being aware of it!  My personal experience over the last 6 months is indicative of the subtleties of the delusion of academic performance equaling success.  Listen, I am not above wanting the best for my kids and enrolling them in those activities and classes that will help them get where I think they need to be.  But, I believe that this is the core issue.  Are we asking ourselves, "Whose life is it, anyway?" Is it their life or is it the life that I want for them?" Do you notice the subtle difference?  I have been guilty of stepping in to create my kids' lives, and I must persist in not hijacking their path.

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In March 2012, all SRVUSD 8th graders were invited to attend a freshman orientation night at their prospective high schools.  My daughter will attend SRVHS. At this orientation, there was a panel of students present, grades 9-12, to discuss their experiences at the high school so far.  Much of the panel discussion centered around whether to take or not to take the "A" period, the optional 7th period of a school day.  Essentially, a traditional high school student is required only to take 6 class periods during a regular school day.  As a freshman, those periods are filled up completely with necessary A-G Requirements for UC/CSU.  Thus, if a student wants to choose an elective, then the optional 7th period is a great option!  It took all I had to keep my mouth shut and my opinion to myself.  I wanted to leave this choice completely up to her.  After all, it is her high school experience.  If she is overwhelmed, she will underperform.  Why set her up for failure?  But, let's be real and I'll be honest:  I thought she should take the 7th period so that she could have an elective, but also so that she could keep up with her peers.  You see, my daughter is a great student, but only average by district standards and her peers nationwide who will compete for a spot in college three years from now.  She gets mostly B's, with an occasional A, but she must work really hard to get those grades - it doesn't come easily. I am proud of her, but college admissions officers aren't likely to be as compassionate.  

She decided to take the 7th period, and picked Drama as her first choice, or Photography, depending on what is available.   Secretly, I was thrilled!

In May 2012, all SRVUSD 8th graders took a geometry readiness test to determine whether they would register for Algebra I or Geometry as a freshman.  My daughter was nervous about taking this test. She wanted to do well so that she wouldn't need to "repeat" Algebra.  Ugh, really? Is this what students are thinking?  Maybe not, but it is what my daughter was thinking.  All I could do was encourage her to do her best and that the results would simply indicate her next step. 

When the results came in, I was shocked at the ambiguous packaging.   The readiness test clearly indicated that she was not ready for Geometry, but the letter from the district indicated that despite her lower than average performance, she was allowed to choose either Algebra I or Geometry.  Wait a minute...even though the evaluation indicated she isn't ready for Geometry, she is allowed to take it anyway?  Of course, if she decides to take Geometry, she would also be eligible to take Biology, whether she is ready or not. This seems irresponsible to me.  She could take both of these classes in 9th grade so that she can have some AP courses to boost her GPA later on down the line, but if she does poorly in these classes up front, then the whole plan is botched (pressure!), or she must settle for mediocre grades.  That doesn't sound promising for college applications. 

I gave her the facts: she did her best and the readiness test indicated a below average score in this subject; she was given the option to choose; and there was no wrong choice, although either choice would come with its own issues and consequences.  I believe in her ability to choose for herself, as she has demonstrated this consistently over the last few years. Again, I had my own opinions, but I let her choose. 

She is taking Algebra I. She plans on attending college someday and she didn't feel ready for Geometry. She wants to get decent grades.

A couple weeks later, during the same week she was celebrating her promotion from 8th grade, we received a letter from the high school indicating that she had been chosen to APPLY for the AVID program.  As an educator, I am a huge fan of AVID!  This programs helps students to develop organization skills, improve study habits, and expand communication skills, resulting in higher academic performance and essentially increased self-esteem and confidence.  Students recommended for this program are specifically recruited by their middle-of-the-road academic performance.  I talked to middle school teachers, her counselors, and an administrator about the pros and cons.  What it boiled down to was that IF she was accepted to the AVID program, she would need to take it during that optional 7th period in order to be part of it; thus, no drama or photography.  Wait... that 7th period, really?  Another academic-based course during the 7th period?  She just decided to take the 7th period for the elective value!

Since we had only one week to consider, discuss, and apply for AVID, I stepped in and decided to discard the idea for this year.  I didn't let her choose this time. I didn't even tell her about it. She was in the midst of enjoying her accomplishment - promotion from 8th grade.  She finally felt like she found a groove in her last semester of middle school. She is already anxious about starting high school.  I don't want to send the message that her interests must take a backseat to her academics. She made a big decision to take the optional 7th period in high school and she decided to fill the period with an elective that she enjoys. 

Was that the right parental decision?  Well, it was a tricky decision, to say the least.  Like I told my daughter, there are no wrong decisions, but each decision comes with its own baggage.  After all, AVID is geared for students just like her: average performers who are willing to work really hard to improve. The transition from middle school into high school will be a big one for my daughter.  I was willing to step in at this point and trust that there are still three more years to apply to AVID if it is what she wants to participate in as she progresses through high school. This is a discussion that will merit more than a week of time.  She prefers to take her time with big decisions.  So, we can start this one after she finds her new groove.

I'm walking the fine line of parenting a child through high school as a College Admissions Consultant. It will be a journey where we will both be learning.  I just need to remember which hat is most important for me to be wearing at any given moment.

Questions about college applications and admissions?  Check out my website www.thecollegegig.com. You don’t need to sell your soul to get into the “best” college, when you can get into the “best fit” college for you.  This is my expertise:  matching you with the college campus where you will place where you will grow academically and develop socially.   Don’t worry – just do your best, have some fun, and you’ll land on your feet at the best college for you.

 

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